After years of planning and researching, I actually got up the nerve yesterday to take my sketch to a tattoo artist... and it failed miserably :o(

I made a really rough sketch of what I wanted it to look like...

I wanted it to be pretty much an upper arm half sleeve... a rustic drawing/painting type tattoo of a wine glass surrounded by sunflowers and vines with lyrics from "Bartender" inside the glass.

I set up a consultation with an impressive tattoo artist who is about an hour away. Well I showed him my sketch, and he shot it down in about 5 seconds saying that the font was too small who would eventually spread into a blob. This being my first tattoo I definitely don't know the ins and outs of getting one so I was definitely open to suggestions. But he gave me none. No advice or offer to do a sketch of what he thought would work. I was so bummed. Then he asks so when do I want to set up an appointment??? I then asked him if he was going to do a sketch of idea that would work... and he said maybe a couple days before and if I wanted to change anything, he would do it right then. I didn't like that really because I wanted it planned out before hand. The stress and pressure of doing it right then might cause me to make a decision I'm not happy with. Because I look for ways to get out of uncomfortable situations. So I told him I was going to hold off and see if I could work out something myself. It seemed like he didn't want to do it at all. Maybe because I didn't look punk or want something dark. And I know I have seen text tattoos in small places and long text tattoos. Pete met up with a tattoo artist who seems cool, he's from California... he was much nicer than the guy I was talking to. So Pete has Sunday set to get his tattoo of an ohm on his calf. He's really excited :o)

Anyways so after that I was really discouraged. I thought about giving it up.

But I decided to look one more time for a decent place to go. I accidentally came across this place called Moo Tattoo while looking up reviews for Na Ka Oi Tiki Tattoo... which got mixed reviews on personality. So I looked more into Moo Tattoo. And there is this amazing artist there, Shawn Dubin (http://www.shawndubin.com/). I don't know if he'll be like the guy from Sink the Ink, but I decided to give it a shot. So I sent them an email explaining everything from years of planning and researching to what happened yesterday. I asked if they would look at an emailed sketch of what I wanted to tell me if it was possible, if there was something we could do to make it work or if they just didn't want to do it.

And they responded within half an hour saying "Sure! Send any sketches and we'll get the process started!"

So I'm a tad excited! ...but still trying not to get my hopes up too much lol.

"Passing time with you in mind
It’s another quiet night
Feel the ground against my back
Counting stars against the black
Think about another day
Wishing I was far away
Wherever I dreamed I was
You were there with me

Playing like we used to play
Like it would never go away
I feel you beating in my chest
I’d be dead without..."

8 days 'til I see my little brother :o)

Typical Situation

Its one of those nights when I just have no desire to sleep. I love these nights. Being awake while the rest of the world is dreaming. I'm thinking of a million things. How much I miss my brother. How much I love my husband. How everything falls into place. How everything happens all at once. Things I need to do. Things I am afraid of. Events of the summer. What my life will bring me. What my future looks like.

I got some new fishies today. I was so bummed when this past week one of the goldfish ate Gary, my snail and also Sucker, the Otocinclus :o( so we found a new home for the goldfish. We also lost Pumbaa. We have a bigger tank now so we got some more fish. We still have Jack Johnson, Kingston and Angel. We added now
Pongo~ a Dalmatian Molly, Night Fury a.k.a. Toothless~ a Black Molly, Plato~ a Pleco (algae eater type),
Minnie~ (My Mom's fish) an Asst Molly,
and Reds~ (My Dad's fish) a Neon Tetra. So we're happy :o) we still have some work to do on the tank to pretty it up so we'll be finishing that up tomorrow night!

I started a few paintings last week lol. I got bad news last weekend so that killed my creativity. I really hate when that happens. So I started a painting for my nephew, Brian, of bugs. I was going to pick three bugs and paint them in outrageous colors. Well my mind was all over the place. I didn't pick the right bugs... and didn't have the right paint colors to create the mood I was going for. So I stopped that painting lol. The next day, I was inspired to paint the DMB fire dancer... My idea was to have the fire dancer slightly to the side with the rings behind it and then a close up on the fire dancer's face. I, at first, didn't like it because I wasn't feeling like myself yet. But as I went on I was liking where it was headed. I wasn't able to finish that night and left it for the next day. The next day I was really inspired to do a Fountain piece! I don't know why lol... I guess because I was listening to the soundtrack. I wasn't liking where that was going at first, but now I am loving it! Every time I look at it I feel moved. I'm not finished it, but I plan on working on it tomorrow during the day :o)

These days whenever I look at a picture of Anthony I feel a pang in my chest. I miss him so much. Its just getting weird now. I don't like it. Friday night, I wrote him a six page letter lol. And yesterday, I wrote him a short story. I'm not sure if I should send it to him. It speaks of having pride in death. Anthony is just like me, the person who gets inspired by movies he sees and books he reads. I am afraid of what it will say to him. Hopefully I will get a sign on what I should do.

This past Sunday was Mother's Day... for my Mom I worked all week to do a canvas painting of a close up of a Calla Lily. She seemed to like it. My self esteem and confidence is building so its still pretty vulnerable. I was hoping she didn't say the wrong thing to crush it. But she didn't. She actually wants to get it framed, and wants to put it in the Living Room. She also wants me to do a close up of a seashell for the Living Room. I felt good. But also weird. She didn't really compliment it. But the fact she's putting it up and wants me to do another... its weird. I love my Mom, don't get me wrong. I am always thinking of her... she would disagree. I am always doing personal things for her... birthdays, Mother's Day, their anniversary. And all my decisions are based on her. Which isn't right for me. Which is why I struggle with waiting to have a baby. I haven't lived for myself yet. Its always been for someone else. Now I'm slowly getting there with my husband's help... I need this. Anyway, I just don't understand her in the slightest. I don't like being a mystery... I like people to know exactly who I am. So her mysteriousness and secrecy and emotionlessness and vagueness is trying. And talking to her about any of this is as effective as talking to a wall. She changes the subject or calls me dramatic. I thought she would change... she might have... but not in the way I was hoping.

Last Sunday, me and Pete went to the Street Fair in Media, PA. I love Media! I would live there in a heartbeat! ...if it wasn't located in Delaware County. Its me though. Quaint shopping village full of creativity and art and cute homes. They aren't very pet friendly though :o( but anyways it was so much fun! Me and Pete just strolled along visiting all the tables... I LOVE street fairs. Beautiful hand crafted jewelry, photography, homemade doggie treats, retro sports memorabilia, knick knacks, all kinds of different artwork, handmade crafts of all kinds... clothes, blankets, purses, hats. I could spend the entire day there easily if I was rich lol. I left with a beautiful necklace of the Tree of Life... anyone who knows me knows I have a fascination with the Tree of Life, some homemade doggie treats for Sammy (and that Maggie likes as well ha ha!), an awesome shadow box piece that says "imagine, dare to dream," a piece that looks like four glass coasters together, in each section is a letter and it spells out love. We also got used cds for a really good deal! We got some good ones... well good to us... Bush, Nine Inch Nails, G Love and Blink-182 (although I'm not a big fan of Blink lol). Pete also got a very cool bracelet, Native American Rune bracelet... braided leather and the Rune charm that means "Balance" in the center which looks like a "P."

Well after the Street Fair, we weren't ready to go home yet so we decided to venture to the Broomall Carnival! Carnivals are one of my favorite things ever. Just being there reminds me of being a kid. Especially at night... all the rides, lights, games, prizes and the smell of funnel cake in the air! I was in my kid-dom glory :o) We started visiting all the games... Pete loves the dart games and of course there was one there! And he won! He won a really nice quality USA soccer jersey... he decided he should give it to my Dad who really liked it. He played a few more games... a football toss and gun shooting target game (for Ant lol). Then we walked up to the fishy game... the game where you win fishies. Trying to get balls into little glass jars. We won seven fishies!!! But we traded in six little fishies for the two big pretty fantail goldfishies :o) So we left with three fish. We went to the store to get a small tank. We now have a whole tank setup lol. We got really into it! The fish I really, really, REALLY want... I can't get yet. Koi. But I will someday. For now, we have our little fish family that we are so excited about! We have the three we won... Pumbaa- a black/orange shimmery Comet goldfish who really likes to eat, Ariel- (Mom's) a pretty orange/white Fantail goldfish
and Flounder- a bright red orange Red Ryukin goldfish. Then we have Kingston- (Pete's) a really awesome looking fish... yellow face with black speckles, orange belly with black speckles, black fins and he's a Sunburst Platy named after the capital of Jamaica 'cause he looks like he's from the islands. Then there's Jack Johnson- he's a Turquoise Guppy. Very tropical looking... yellow face and belly that fades into beautiful big fan like Turquoise fin. Then we have Angel- she's a Pictus catfish (originally thought to be an Angelicus catfish therefore the name... and now it stuck lol). She's shimmery silvery/white with black spots and really long whiskers. And she's preggers. Well she's actually filled up with eggs, but without a male they won't be fertilized. Then there's Sucker- an Otocinclus (very similar to an Algae Eater but cooler looking). Last but not least, my favorite. Gary! Gary is a Mystery Snail... with a bright golden yellow shell and creamy white colored body with orange speckles. Named after Spongebob's pet snail. He's so cool :o)


Well we're loving our little fishy family! Summer's coming soon... and with that all the craziness planned! I can't wait :o)

This song really reminds me of Anthony... so I sent it to him :o)

Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city lights
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing, stretching every nerve
I had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
Just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom, boom, boom!
"Son," he said, "grab your things, I've come to take you home!"

To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Though my life was in a rut
Till I thought of what I'd say
And which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom, boom, boom!
"Hey," he said, "grab your things, I've come to take you home!"

Hey-ey, back home!

When illusion spin her net
I'm never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
So I will show another me
Today I don't need a replacement
I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom, boom, boom!
"Hey," I said, "you can keep my things, they've come to take me home!"