Birthday Destination: Palm Beach, FL

Jack Johnson concert on my birthday, August 26th in the sunny clime :o)

Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!

ALTHOUGH...

this means some serious work on my part. I refuse to go to tropical places looking like a beached whale. So despite my Sciatica, heel spurs, IBS and other bullcrap, I am attempting an exercising regimen. Ouch! Just the thought of it zaps my energy, but hopefully it will help in the long run. I wish there was a way to jump start this to make it more possible. I am extremely impatient so alot of times I try to do too much at once too quickly and I hurt myself so I get depressed. OR it doesn't work fast enough so than I get discouraged. Then lose self confidence in all aspects of my life. I feel like I'm wasting away. Getting fat and contributing nothing to society. Its a vicious cycle that has been ongoing for about 5 years. Pete and I want to have a baby, and I can't do that when I am this unhealthy. I feel pressed for time (in the biological sense) and that makes it worse! I need a break, no I need a jolt of energy that won't extinguish or massive, massive amounts of willpower. God, can you help me out? Please, I need this... and I can't do it alone.

I don't feel so tired at the moment... I don't really know what I feel. I feel like life just keeps going, and I can't keep up with it. It seems either nothing happens, and you're just waiting for it to or you don't have a moment to think about what is going on there is so much. Blagggggh. I always regret venting to family members. But I am getting so tired of holding back that it just comes out when something is mentioned.
I'm scared that I've been such an idiot with Sammy. My stupid anxiety issues have caused to me to put off taking him to the vet... and what if he has something seriously wrong with him? I will be devastated. I don't do anything right. I'm afraid to make decisions on my own.
And there's my Mom... I don't even like to think about it. I don't know what I would do if it is something truly serious that could have a bad end. I feel so overwhelmed thinking about things. I feel panic attacks coming on all the time anymore. I'm scared to death to go back to work. I'm afraid to go back to school. I'm scared to death of responsibilities. I'm scared to death of screwing up.
I'm looking forward to spending time with Lisa though... she gets my current situation so much. It makes me feel so much better talking to her because she is going through what I am. I think she knows I lie to myself... maybe she does it too? I don't know, but I feel so much better around her so I am looking forward to that.
I miss my brother. He always got me. Even if sometimes it feels as if he means more to me than I do to him... he still understands me more than anyone else does. Not because he listens differently. But because he's been there, he's experienced almost the same exact feelings as me forever. I'm afraid that after he comes home... we won't have that connection anymore. He'll have accomplished something huge while I'm still here just sitting and waiting for something to happen to me. He responded to my letter that I felt especially sensitive about... I wrote him a story, something that reminded me of me and him... and he liked it. His letter was awesome. It made me feel so good to read. It made me feel like we were kids again... just goofing around :o) I was cracking up the whole way through. I've been writing him letters non-stop lol I just think of things and want to send them. Quotes, lyrics, stories, thoughts... I just want to send home to him. I miss him.

Sometimes it really bothers that most of the time I feel more a stranger and unwelcome in my home and family than my husband and brother's fiance.

St. Patty's Day is coming up! And last year, my husband and I started a new tradition :o)

While the rest of the world goes out to party, we sit in. HA HA! Okay no but really what we do first is get festively dressed in our green and Irish accented attire. Then we make some obviously homemade Irish potatoes!!! THEY ARE UNBELIEVABLY GOOD!!! Here is the recipe which is not very hard or secret lol
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Ingredients

* 1/4 cup butter, softened
* 1/2 (8 ounce) package cream cheese
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 4 cups confectioners' sugar
* 2 1/2 cups flaked coconut
* 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon

Directions

1. In a medium bowl, beat the butter and cream cheese together until smooth. Add the vanilla and confectioners' sugar; beat until smooth. Using your hands if necessary, mix in the coconut. Roll into balls or potato shapes, and roll in the cinnamon. Place onto a cookie sheet and chill to set. If desired, roll potatoes in cinnamon again for darker color.

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But we minus the coconut since we are neither fans of it.

This year I'd like to make an Irish dinner, but not ham and cabbage, yuck! If I can't find anything... I may make a recipe from the Lord of the Rings recipe site! YES, I am a geek. Then we sip our alcoholic beverages of choice... Pete typically enjoys a Harp beer as I drink my wine. Or some Bailey's :o) And watch Darby O'Gill and the Little People which is such good fun! A movie I have been watching since I was a little girl :o) loves it!

I still can't believe what transpired yesterday. Furthering my belief that the world is cruel CRUEL and cold place. I'm not even kidding when I say I want to be a recluse. I'm scared to death to bring children into this world. I can't imagine that God is letting our crime get out of hand... that crime rates are going through the roof. Its people! People are evil. I'm so afraid of what I'm becoming. I tried to fight this world... tried to let things go, be the bigger person, let people treat me bad and tried to overcome it and not let it break me. But I am afraid it has. The bad in this world is winning. That scares me. Instead of fighting it, I just want to hide from it. Move to some secluded island or deep in the forest so no one can find me. Whats the point of being close to people when horrible things happen? Bank on something happening. No one is safe from it. I feel so incredibly worn out. WORN OUT. Tired. Defeated. What am I supposed to do now?