I don't feel so tired at the moment... I don't really know what I feel. I feel like life just keeps going, and I can't keep up with it. It seems either nothing happens, and you're just waiting for it to or you don't have a moment to think about what is going on there is so much. Blagggggh. I always regret venting to family members. But I am getting so tired of holding back that it just comes out when something is mentioned.
I'm scared that I've been such an idiot with Sammy. My stupid anxiety issues have caused to me to put off taking him to the vet... and what if he has something seriously wrong with him? I will be devastated. I don't do anything right. I'm afraid to make decisions on my own.
And there's my Mom... I don't even like to think about it. I don't know what I would do if it is something truly serious that could have a bad end. I feel so overwhelmed thinking about things. I feel panic attacks coming on all the time anymore. I'm scared to death to go back to work. I'm afraid to go back to school. I'm scared to death of responsibilities. I'm scared to death of screwing up.
I'm looking forward to spending time with Lisa though... she gets my current situation so much. It makes me feel so much better talking to her because she is going through what I am. I think she knows I lie to myself... maybe she does it too? I don't know, but I feel so much better around her so I am looking forward to that.
I miss my brother. He always got me. Even if sometimes it feels as if he means more to me than I do to him... he still understands me more than anyone else does. Not because he listens differently. But because he's been there, he's experienced almost the same exact feelings as me forever. I'm afraid that after he comes home... we won't have that connection anymore. He'll have accomplished something huge while I'm still here just sitting and waiting for something to happen to me. He responded to my letter that I felt especially sensitive about... I wrote him a story, something that reminded me of me and him... and he liked it. His letter was awesome. It made me feel so good to read. It made me feel like we were kids again... just goofing around :o) I was cracking up the whole way through. I've been writing him letters non-stop lol I just think of things and want to send them. Quotes, lyrics, stories, thoughts... I just want to send home to him. I miss him.