After years of planning and researching, I actually got up the nerve yesterday to take my sketch to a tattoo artist... and it failed miserably :o(

I made a really rough sketch of what I wanted it to look like...

I wanted it to be pretty much an upper arm half sleeve... a rustic drawing/painting type tattoo of a wine glass surrounded by sunflowers and vines with lyrics from "Bartender" inside the glass.

I set up a consultation with an impressive tattoo artist who is about an hour away. Well I showed him my sketch, and he shot it down in about 5 seconds saying that the font was too small who would eventually spread into a blob. This being my first tattoo I definitely don't know the ins and outs of getting one so I was definitely open to suggestions. But he gave me none. No advice or offer to do a sketch of what he thought would work. I was so bummed. Then he asks so when do I want to set up an appointment??? I then asked him if he was going to do a sketch of idea that would work... and he said maybe a couple days before and if I wanted to change anything, he would do it right then. I didn't like that really because I wanted it planned out before hand. The stress and pressure of doing it right then might cause me to make a decision I'm not happy with. Because I look for ways to get out of uncomfortable situations. So I told him I was going to hold off and see if I could work out something myself. It seemed like he didn't want to do it at all. Maybe because I didn't look punk or want something dark. And I know I have seen text tattoos in small places and long text tattoos. Pete met up with a tattoo artist who seems cool, he's from California... he was much nicer than the guy I was talking to. So Pete has Sunday set to get his tattoo of an ohm on his calf. He's really excited :o)

Anyways so after that I was really discouraged. I thought about giving it up.

But I decided to look one more time for a decent place to go. I accidentally came across this place called Moo Tattoo while looking up reviews for Na Ka Oi Tiki Tattoo... which got mixed reviews on personality. So I looked more into Moo Tattoo. And there is this amazing artist there, Shawn Dubin (http://www.shawndubin.com/). I don't know if he'll be like the guy from Sink the Ink, but I decided to give it a shot. So I sent them an email explaining everything from years of planning and researching to what happened yesterday. I asked if they would look at an emailed sketch of what I wanted to tell me if it was possible, if there was something we could do to make it work or if they just didn't want to do it.

And they responded within half an hour saying "Sure! Send any sketches and we'll get the process started!"

So I'm a tad excited! ...but still trying not to get my hopes up too much lol.

"Passing time with you in mind
It’s another quiet night
Feel the ground against my back
Counting stars against the black
Think about another day
Wishing I was far away
Wherever I dreamed I was
You were there with me

Playing like we used to play
Like it would never go away
I feel you beating in my chest
I’d be dead without..."

8 days 'til I see my little brother :o)

Typical Situation

Its one of those nights when I just have no desire to sleep. I love these nights. Being awake while the rest of the world is dreaming. I'm thinking of a million things. How much I miss my brother. How much I love my husband. How everything falls into place. How everything happens all at once. Things I need to do. Things I am afraid of. Events of the summer. What my life will bring me. What my future looks like.

I got some new fishies today. I was so bummed when this past week one of the goldfish ate Gary, my snail and also Sucker, the Otocinclus :o( so we found a new home for the goldfish. We also lost Pumbaa. We have a bigger tank now so we got some more fish. We still have Jack Johnson, Kingston and Angel. We added now
Pongo~ a Dalmatian Molly, Night Fury a.k.a. Toothless~ a Black Molly, Plato~ a Pleco (algae eater type),
Minnie~ (My Mom's fish) an Asst Molly,
and Reds~ (My Dad's fish) a Neon Tetra. So we're happy :o) we still have some work to do on the tank to pretty it up so we'll be finishing that up tomorrow night!

I started a few paintings last week lol. I got bad news last weekend so that killed my creativity. I really hate when that happens. So I started a painting for my nephew, Brian, of bugs. I was going to pick three bugs and paint them in outrageous colors. Well my mind was all over the place. I didn't pick the right bugs... and didn't have the right paint colors to create the mood I was going for. So I stopped that painting lol. The next day, I was inspired to paint the DMB fire dancer... My idea was to have the fire dancer slightly to the side with the rings behind it and then a close up on the fire dancer's face. I, at first, didn't like it because I wasn't feeling like myself yet. But as I went on I was liking where it was headed. I wasn't able to finish that night and left it for the next day. The next day I was really inspired to do a Fountain piece! I don't know why lol... I guess because I was listening to the soundtrack. I wasn't liking where that was going at first, but now I am loving it! Every time I look at it I feel moved. I'm not finished it, but I plan on working on it tomorrow during the day :o)

These days whenever I look at a picture of Anthony I feel a pang in my chest. I miss him so much. Its just getting weird now. I don't like it. Friday night, I wrote him a six page letter lol. And yesterday, I wrote him a short story. I'm not sure if I should send it to him. It speaks of having pride in death. Anthony is just like me, the person who gets inspired by movies he sees and books he reads. I am afraid of what it will say to him. Hopefully I will get a sign on what I should do.

This past Sunday was Mother's Day... for my Mom I worked all week to do a canvas painting of a close up of a Calla Lily. She seemed to like it. My self esteem and confidence is building so its still pretty vulnerable. I was hoping she didn't say the wrong thing to crush it. But she didn't. She actually wants to get it framed, and wants to put it in the Living Room. She also wants me to do a close up of a seashell for the Living Room. I felt good. But also weird. She didn't really compliment it. But the fact she's putting it up and wants me to do another... its weird. I love my Mom, don't get me wrong. I am always thinking of her... she would disagree. I am always doing personal things for her... birthdays, Mother's Day, their anniversary. And all my decisions are based on her. Which isn't right for me. Which is why I struggle with waiting to have a baby. I haven't lived for myself yet. Its always been for someone else. Now I'm slowly getting there with my husband's help... I need this. Anyway, I just don't understand her in the slightest. I don't like being a mystery... I like people to know exactly who I am. So her mysteriousness and secrecy and emotionlessness and vagueness is trying. And talking to her about any of this is as effective as talking to a wall. She changes the subject or calls me dramatic. I thought she would change... she might have... but not in the way I was hoping.

Last Sunday, me and Pete went to the Street Fair in Media, PA. I love Media! I would live there in a heartbeat! ...if it wasn't located in Delaware County. Its me though. Quaint shopping village full of creativity and art and cute homes. They aren't very pet friendly though :o( but anyways it was so much fun! Me and Pete just strolled along visiting all the tables... I LOVE street fairs. Beautiful hand crafted jewelry, photography, homemade doggie treats, retro sports memorabilia, knick knacks, all kinds of different artwork, handmade crafts of all kinds... clothes, blankets, purses, hats. I could spend the entire day there easily if I was rich lol. I left with a beautiful necklace of the Tree of Life... anyone who knows me knows I have a fascination with the Tree of Life, some homemade doggie treats for Sammy (and that Maggie likes as well ha ha!), an awesome shadow box piece that says "imagine, dare to dream," a piece that looks like four glass coasters together, in each section is a letter and it spells out love. We also got used cds for a really good deal! We got some good ones... well good to us... Bush, Nine Inch Nails, G Love and Blink-182 (although I'm not a big fan of Blink lol). Pete also got a very cool bracelet, Native American Rune bracelet... braided leather and the Rune charm that means "Balance" in the center which looks like a "P."

Well after the Street Fair, we weren't ready to go home yet so we decided to venture to the Broomall Carnival! Carnivals are one of my favorite things ever. Just being there reminds me of being a kid. Especially at night... all the rides, lights, games, prizes and the smell of funnel cake in the air! I was in my kid-dom glory :o) We started visiting all the games... Pete loves the dart games and of course there was one there! And he won! He won a really nice quality USA soccer jersey... he decided he should give it to my Dad who really liked it. He played a few more games... a football toss and gun shooting target game (for Ant lol). Then we walked up to the fishy game... the game where you win fishies. Trying to get balls into little glass jars. We won seven fishies!!! But we traded in six little fishies for the two big pretty fantail goldfishies :o) So we left with three fish. We went to the store to get a small tank. We now have a whole tank setup lol. We got really into it! The fish I really, really, REALLY want... I can't get yet. Koi. But I will someday. For now, we have our little fish family that we are so excited about! We have the three we won... Pumbaa- a black/orange shimmery Comet goldfish who really likes to eat, Ariel- (Mom's) a pretty orange/white Fantail goldfish
and Flounder- a bright red orange Red Ryukin goldfish. Then we have Kingston- (Pete's) a really awesome looking fish... yellow face with black speckles, orange belly with black speckles, black fins and he's a Sunburst Platy named after the capital of Jamaica 'cause he looks like he's from the islands. Then there's Jack Johnson- he's a Turquoise Guppy. Very tropical looking... yellow face and belly that fades into beautiful big fan like Turquoise fin. Then we have Angel- she's a Pictus catfish (originally thought to be an Angelicus catfish therefore the name... and now it stuck lol). She's shimmery silvery/white with black spots and really long whiskers. And she's preggers. Well she's actually filled up with eggs, but without a male they won't be fertilized. Then there's Sucker- an Otocinclus (very similar to an Algae Eater but cooler looking). Last but not least, my favorite. Gary! Gary is a Mystery Snail... with a bright golden yellow shell and creamy white colored body with orange speckles. Named after Spongebob's pet snail. He's so cool :o)


Well we're loving our little fishy family! Summer's coming soon... and with that all the craziness planned! I can't wait :o)

This song really reminds me of Anthony... so I sent it to him :o)

Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city lights
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing, stretching every nerve
I had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
Just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom, boom, boom!
"Son," he said, "grab your things, I've come to take you home!"

To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Though my life was in a rut
Till I thought of what I'd say
And which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom, boom, boom!
"Hey," he said, "grab your things, I've come to take you home!"

Hey-ey, back home!

When illusion spin her net
I'm never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
So I will show another me
Today I don't need a replacement
I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom, boom, boom!
"Hey," I said, "you can keep my things, they've come to take me home!"

April 26, 2010 was Our First Wedding Anniversary... I'm so so so happy.
I wish I hadn't been sick so that I could fully appreciate it. I love my husband more than anything. He is my best friend, my heart and soul. He makes my life full. We stayed in Woodbine, NJ at a friend's shore house... and it was a perfect getaway retreat :o) They were calling for rain the whole time, but we didn't care. We were together, and thats what mattered. We were just able to enjoy each other. It was awesome so I can imagine what it would be if I wasn't sick! The first night we just got settled, watched High Fidelity. Love that movie.

The second day wound up being beautifully sunny... so we ventured to Higbee Beach! But before that, we tried out the golf cart! I love golf carts except the fact that they have to charge. Yes, the battery died while we out driving it lol. TWICE. And all the residents were making fun of us. But on to the beach! Higbee Beach is a naturalist beach, or was lol, but it is a wildlife management area. And they allow dogs :o) Sammy loves the beach, and he loved it that day! He kept running from the water though lol. While we were there, we found so many animals! All kinds of crabs... and other dogs lol. This big, wet chocolate lab came splashing up to Sammy LOL Sammy was actually good with him and then he took off splashing and flopping some more. It was so funny to watch :oD We also came across a horseshoe crab! We thought he wasn't alive at first because he was flipped over, not moving. But when we got close we noticed his little legs going... he couldn't flip over :o( so Pete turned him over, but he was just being pushed back up on the beach. So then Pete tossed him into the water, and we just watched him as he faded away into the ocean.



As we were about to leave, it started to cloud up and that was the norm for the rest of our trip! Every time we went out the rain would hold off until we were driving back to our place when it would start raining lol. But that night, we watched Pirate Radio which is hella funny! I recommend renting it.

Next day, we braved the menacing clouds and went to Cape May city! We visited the mall walk... some of our favorite stores. Bought lots of souvenirs that day :o) new charms for my charm necklace... "W" charm for Weddell, Guitar charm for Pete, Bone charm for Sammy, Sunflower charm for Me, "Follow Your Dreams" charm for how I feel about life. So now in my necklace its those new charms plus a paw charm for Maggie Mittens and a miniature wedding ring charm. I also got a new Charming Tales Anniversary figurine! Its super cute! Two champagne glasses that holds a girl and boy mouse and they are reaching over kissing, love it! Also stopped in Hallmark, picked out some cards I needed. Got up to the register and saw these cute charms, don't really know what they are for... I guess pocket charms? I fell in love with them. Glass ladybugs, Glass hearts, Angel pennies and silver peace signs. I got into a conversation with the lady because she was there when I came there the year before for our Wedding. I went with the peace sign. I have a thing for peace signs and told her so. We talked about that and then about Higbee Beach which she says is supposedly haunted by a dog who protects the treasure of a pirate buried on that beach. I was so intrigued! I really need to read that Cape May ghosts book! Anyways she gave me the peace sign for free :o) and also found a peace sign bumper sticker to give me for free. This is why I love Cape May, they are such nice people that live there. I also bought a "W" key chain that day. After that, I needed to set up my anniversary present for Pete. I adopted him a sea turtle because they are tied for his favorite animal with tiger. So an adoption certificate is the paper :o) I also did a canvas painting of Crush from Finding Nemo for him. I also did this thing with three cards... Past, Present and Future. Past was a letter I wrote to him telling him the things I loved most about him I discovered over the years. Present was a beachy card specifying the 1st Anniversary aspect... telling him if he counted every sea shell on the beach, I'd still love him more. Future was a card expressing how I will feel about our life together when we are old. Then it started to rain, no torrential downpour like CRAZY. It was so loud! We attempted to watch French Kiss, but we couldn't hear a thing lol so went to bed.




Next day, our Anniversary... one year ago I married my best friend! We ventured into town again. We did some more shopping. First store was a dog/cat lover store... bought a couple of car magnets and a Cape May shirt for Sammy. Next we went to a place called Across the Way... bought some personality pins and a bracelet I absolutely love. It has a braided leather strap with a metal plate engraved with the saying from Mother Teresa, "Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies." While we were in this awesome store... our wedding song came in!!! <3 how awesome is that! "Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart, like "Why are we here?" and "Where do we go?" and "How come it's so hard?" It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together." <3 <3 <3 So we danced, right in the middle of the store :o) When things like that happen I think I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be at that moment.
Then we went to Cove Beach... where we got married. The clouds looked vicious, but we went anyway. I'm glad we did! It was beautiful. The waves were intense, perfect for surfing. We actually got into a conversation with a local surfer. He was a really nice guy. While Pete and him were having some surf talk... I was snapping away with pictures. Breathtaking views. Being there that day made me realize that the normal weather for this time of year is rainy and unpredictable. Which means to me that our Wedding Day was supposed to happen. Everything was... perfect. Everything fell spectacularly into place. The weather was absolutely beautiful and the whole day was a dream :o) And I knew we were exactly where we were supposed to be.




It was awesome too because that was the first time I had seen surfing in person. We spent some time just looking out from the Pavilion. Then we collected some sand for our sand ceremony and keepsake shell and found an awesome shell in the process! Then we headed to the Lobster House for our 1st Anniversary dinner :op we both got some awesome food! But Pete especially... flounder! And yes, he made me try it and I loved it! After dinner, we went back to the house... the rain started. We exchanged gifts. Pete got me a Charming Tales figurine where the two mice are sitting in a cup of tea which is us :op and also a late summer fairy figurine sitting on golden mums. And wrote out an awesome card/poem (paper). I felt so lovey. I feel so lovey. He is awesome. We ended the night with the Sand Ceremony, which a dear friend of mine made for us for our Wedding Day. One jar of plum colored sand representing my individuality, one jar of orange colored representing Pete's individuality, and one jar of sand from the beach of our Wedding Day. Once combined, it makes a new color. A new life of being together. And like the sand, once joined cannot be separated :o)


It was the most thoughtful gift I have ever received. She'll never know how much it meant to me. But it turned out awesome. So it wasn't a very exciting trip, not much happened... but thats just how we like it :op

I can't believe we've been married a year already... so much has happened lol but I'm so thankful that I go through everything with Pete. Its such an awesome feeling that I am going through my life with this man. I love him so much it hurts.

Interesting article I came across...

How to Live Well Without a Job and With (Almost) No Money: Possum Living

“Why is it that people assume one must be a hippie, or live in some dreary wilderness, or be a folksy, hard-working, back-to-nature soybean-and-yogurt freak in order to largely bypass the money economy? My father and I have a house on a half-acre lot 40 miles north of Philadelphia, PA (hardly a pioneer homestead), maintain a middle-class façade, and live well without a job or regular income — and without working hard, either.” — Dolly Freed, author of Possum Living: How to Live Well Without a Job and With (Almost) No Money

Being a worker bee is not all cushy chairs and dollars in the bank. Thoughts of winning the lottery and adjourning to a leisurely, dirt-under-my-fingernails kind of existence often cross my mind (mostly while propelling my body into a stuffed train car, washing the city off my face after a long day and paying off my endless student loan debt). Learning about scrappy teen Dolly Freed, icon of sustainable yet frugal living, makes that pipe dream seem possible.

Dolly wrote her testament to living the easy life in the late seventies, at the age of eighteen, and with a seventh grade education. Dolly and her father chose not to have jobs at a time when the economy was quite bleak (such as today) and were determined to live an independent, self-sufficient life on their small farm without having to break their backs in the process. Possum Living was intentioned as an instructional guide on how to "buy and maintain your own home, dress well, cope with the law, stay healthy, and keep up a middle-class façade — whether you live in the city, in the suburbs, or in a small town." Dolly goes on to explain: "To me, the luxury of being my own boss and doing what I want, when I want, more than pays up for the luxuries of having a nice car and nice furniture... I'm just living independent on my little half acre. If you like your work and you really enjoy what you're doing, good — then go out and work. I'm against people thinking that they have to work because they think they're going to starve to death."

Dolly and her father had the advantage of owning their home and small plot of land. This allowed them to get by on little to no money by raising chickens, fishing, slaughtering rabbits for meat, gardening, canning their own food and occasionally taking odd jobs to make money for the few things they could not provide for themselves. However, Dolly is quick to discount the idea that this is some exercise in restraint or strictly philosophical: she and her father simply didn't want to work for the man, or very hard, for that matter. She states, "If you’re thinking spiritual or sociological thoughts, don’t waste your time with me, but if you just want to easy-up your life somewhat, why, then, you’re talking my language! We’ll get that Protestant Work Ethic monkey off your back!"

The Freeds lived a bountiful, easy life on their improvised suburban farm for five years before Dolly left for college. If you weren't already impressed, prepare for your chin to drop a few more inches: Dolly went on to become an aerospace engineer after an education garnered on the farm and at the public library. Paige Williams caught up with Dolly thirty years after the documentary and cult popularity of the book. The profile is a fascinating read and shows that Dolly is still as curious and plucky as ever:

"By noon, Dolly Freed has composted peppers, studied a tadpole under an old Russian field microscope, sniffed and tasted a new supply of homegrown garlic, discussed Gardner’s theory of multiple intelligences, demonstrated how to turn an ordinary pressure cooker into a moonshine still, looked up 'rose-breasted grosbeak' in Peterson Field Guides, and harvested cherry tomatoes from her garden."
Dolly's vigor and lust for a thoroughly questioned life makes me wonder how to make my dirty fingered dreams a reality. Read Dolly's inspiring blog at Possum Living and watch the entirety of the Possum Living documentary for free online. (Part 2 and Part 3 are available on YouTube.) You can purchase Dolly's book on Amazon or from an independent bookseller.

Story by: TeenAngster

I haven't kept up with my posting of my art pieces the past few days. I had a scare the other day. My sciatica is full blown, and to be honest, it scares the crap out of me that I'm losing the feeling in my legs. It ranges from annoying pins and needles to intense pressure and numbness and weakness and trembling. Its incredibly hard to walk. Right now, I am relying on heating pads, Naproxen and Advil PMs to get through the days and nights. I can't sleep at all if I don't take something. I don't like that. I have also been doing stretch and exercise techniques. I'm so upset. I can't even sit on my living room couch. The softness is TERRIBLE for it. I start my smoothie diet this week. Hopefully I can lose some weight through that so that I can start exercising more regularly and intensely. I NEED to do this and NOW before its too late.

On to the art pieces, my second assignment was charcoal. I actually wound up doing several pieces... close up on a Calla Lily, a Batman piece and a portrait of young girl and boy. Charcoal is harder than I remember. I was satisfied with the results, but I know I will get better with practice. The past two days I have been working on jewelry which I consider art! I am making dangle pearl earrings for a wedding party and also a bracelet for a new Mommy :o) They both are so pretty! I will post pictures soon!




Despite my health issues, I am truly trying to stay positive. I'm so happy about the art assignment! And I'm getting so super excited for the summer! I have so much going on!!! Starting in June... I'm going to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri to see my brother graduate from his National Guard training. I can't wait! I miss him so much, and am so proud of him. Then we have the Dave concerts which we're going to do RIGHT this time!!! Then the Phillies game with fireworks!!! Then Jack Johnson in Palm Beach, Florida for my birthday!!! :o) This week we booked EVERYTHING, ha ha ha! We booked the flight and hotel for Florida. We got the Jack Johnson tickets! We still need to book the car for Florida. We booked the flight for the trip to Fort Leonard Wood, MO... still need to book the hotel, but I am waiting for Liz to look them up so we can all go the same one. And we also need to do the rental car for there as well.

I have alot to look forward to :o) God, please give me strength to get healthy! Please!

365 DAYS, 365 PIECES OF ART

Today I started my newest adventure... I will complete atleast one piece of art every single day for the next year (or more). Whether it be painting, drawing, paper art, clay, pottery, knitting, photography, anything I can think of that is art.

I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS!!!

My first piece is a painting on canvas. It started out to be a field of sunflowers, but I didn't like where it was going. So I changed it to a modern piece with the focal point being a sunflower. I'm actually happy with the finished product. It is my first canvas painting since high school.



I can't wait to start clay and pottery!!!

We got a surprise phone call last night... from my brother! What an awesome Easter present! It gave me a sharp realization of how much I really miss him :o(

I am so so so so so happy that I got to talk to him :o) he sounded different but the same. And he was joking which made me feel good 'cause despite everything, it seems he will stay himself. He was talking about the guys he is meeting, the friends he is making. He was talking about what phase of the training he is in and whats in store for him this week and weeks to come. He was talking about what he's doing in his physical training... and he's doing well. He has been getting awards for his achievements. They actually asked him to be a part of the Airborne Unit because of his success... which would pretty much guarantee his deployment. Plus he would miss all the summer events we had planned. I hope he doesn't do it... but when there are people confronting you about it all the time... I'm sure its hard to say no. I hope this stays as a means to an end for him... the riskiest gamble of a means to an end when it involves your life.

I just want my little brother back...

I am absolutely head over heels for this movie <3 <3 <3 :o)

"Misty morning in Springtime
I hear the music from across the way,
Across the bridges of my mind.
I lift the misty shades of yesterday
To catch the dreams I left behind..."

Birthday Destination: Palm Beach, FL

Jack Johnson concert on my birthday, August 26th in the sunny clime :o)

Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!

ALTHOUGH...

this means some serious work on my part. I refuse to go to tropical places looking like a beached whale. So despite my Sciatica, heel spurs, IBS and other bullcrap, I am attempting an exercising regimen. Ouch! Just the thought of it zaps my energy, but hopefully it will help in the long run. I wish there was a way to jump start this to make it more possible. I am extremely impatient so alot of times I try to do too much at once too quickly and I hurt myself so I get depressed. OR it doesn't work fast enough so than I get discouraged. Then lose self confidence in all aspects of my life. I feel like I'm wasting away. Getting fat and contributing nothing to society. Its a vicious cycle that has been ongoing for about 5 years. Pete and I want to have a baby, and I can't do that when I am this unhealthy. I feel pressed for time (in the biological sense) and that makes it worse! I need a break, no I need a jolt of energy that won't extinguish or massive, massive amounts of willpower. God, can you help me out? Please, I need this... and I can't do it alone.

I don't feel so tired at the moment... I don't really know what I feel. I feel like life just keeps going, and I can't keep up with it. It seems either nothing happens, and you're just waiting for it to or you don't have a moment to think about what is going on there is so much. Blagggggh. I always regret venting to family members. But I am getting so tired of holding back that it just comes out when something is mentioned.
I'm scared that I've been such an idiot with Sammy. My stupid anxiety issues have caused to me to put off taking him to the vet... and what if he has something seriously wrong with him? I will be devastated. I don't do anything right. I'm afraid to make decisions on my own.
And there's my Mom... I don't even like to think about it. I don't know what I would do if it is something truly serious that could have a bad end. I feel so overwhelmed thinking about things. I feel panic attacks coming on all the time anymore. I'm scared to death to go back to work. I'm afraid to go back to school. I'm scared to death of responsibilities. I'm scared to death of screwing up.
I'm looking forward to spending time with Lisa though... she gets my current situation so much. It makes me feel so much better talking to her because she is going through what I am. I think she knows I lie to myself... maybe she does it too? I don't know, but I feel so much better around her so I am looking forward to that.
I miss my brother. He always got me. Even if sometimes it feels as if he means more to me than I do to him... he still understands me more than anyone else does. Not because he listens differently. But because he's been there, he's experienced almost the same exact feelings as me forever. I'm afraid that after he comes home... we won't have that connection anymore. He'll have accomplished something huge while I'm still here just sitting and waiting for something to happen to me. He responded to my letter that I felt especially sensitive about... I wrote him a story, something that reminded me of me and him... and he liked it. His letter was awesome. It made me feel so good to read. It made me feel like we were kids again... just goofing around :o) I was cracking up the whole way through. I've been writing him letters non-stop lol I just think of things and want to send them. Quotes, lyrics, stories, thoughts... I just want to send home to him. I miss him.

Sometimes it really bothers that most of the time I feel more a stranger and unwelcome in my home and family than my husband and brother's fiance.

St. Patty's Day is coming up! And last year, my husband and I started a new tradition :o)

While the rest of the world goes out to party, we sit in. HA HA! Okay no but really what we do first is get festively dressed in our green and Irish accented attire. Then we make some obviously homemade Irish potatoes!!! THEY ARE UNBELIEVABLY GOOD!!! Here is the recipe which is not very hard or secret lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ingredients

* 1/4 cup butter, softened
* 1/2 (8 ounce) package cream cheese
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 4 cups confectioners' sugar
* 2 1/2 cups flaked coconut
* 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon

Directions

1. In a medium bowl, beat the butter and cream cheese together until smooth. Add the vanilla and confectioners' sugar; beat until smooth. Using your hands if necessary, mix in the coconut. Roll into balls or potato shapes, and roll in the cinnamon. Place onto a cookie sheet and chill to set. If desired, roll potatoes in cinnamon again for darker color.

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But we minus the coconut since we are neither fans of it.

This year I'd like to make an Irish dinner, but not ham and cabbage, yuck! If I can't find anything... I may make a recipe from the Lord of the Rings recipe site! YES, I am a geek. Then we sip our alcoholic beverages of choice... Pete typically enjoys a Harp beer as I drink my wine. Or some Bailey's :o) And watch Darby O'Gill and the Little People which is such good fun! A movie I have been watching since I was a little girl :o) loves it!

I still can't believe what transpired yesterday. Furthering my belief that the world is cruel CRUEL and cold place. I'm not even kidding when I say I want to be a recluse. I'm scared to death to bring children into this world. I can't imagine that God is letting our crime get out of hand... that crime rates are going through the roof. Its people! People are evil. I'm so afraid of what I'm becoming. I tried to fight this world... tried to let things go, be the bigger person, let people treat me bad and tried to overcome it and not let it break me. But I am afraid it has. The bad in this world is winning. That scares me. Instead of fighting it, I just want to hide from it. Move to some secluded island or deep in the forest so no one can find me. Whats the point of being close to people when horrible things happen? Bank on something happening. No one is safe from it. I feel so incredibly worn out. WORN OUT. Tired. Defeated. What am I supposed to do now?

Where The Wild Things Are!

Three days until this movie comes out on DVD!!! I can't wait! I have been waiting patiently since I saw it in theaters :o)

New Project

I should so be sleeping right now, but alas the stomach has me in its grips yet again. BLAH.

So much is going on, too much. And I'm not going to get into them on this online blog. But I did want to divulge in my newest project which is...

TATTOOS.

I have multiple ideas in my head...

Number one, being blackbirds... little ones, like this... to represent my husband... the song with special meaning for us being "Blackbird" by The Beatles <3 at a troubled time for me, when my husband was the ONLY one there for me.



Number two, being lyrics from a song to represent my younger brother who is my best friend besides my husband... he left for the National Guard, and I am very proud of him. It is the song "Sister" by Dave Matthews which basically talks about a close bond between Dave and his sister... which is how I always felt about Anthony. He always understood me more than anyway else did. Our childhood was awesome. And here are those lyrics...



Number three could be a number of things, and I can't choose! But I want it to be a half-sleeve.

One idea I was thinking of getting was a drawing that I did... inspired by the movie, The Fountain... The combination of the Tree of Life and underneath, the drawing I did of a woman deep within the earth whose limbs are roots coming out of the ground. The belief that after we die we become a part of this earth and continue forever. Death is the road to awe. Basically, death is just the beginning.



Another idea was a collage of Lord of the Rings locations... Bagend, Rivendell and Lothlorien or Fanghorn Forest with an Ent in the foreground and a quote along the bottom from my favorite character, Samwise Gamgee, "Even darkness must pass."

Or maybe modifying a Alphonse Mucha painting with sunflowers... he's one of my favorite artists... this one I'm partial to!



I also wanted a a tribute to Where the Wild Things Are and the Beatles.

I could be all tatted up easy lol.

We shall see though...